


don't cry in secret

by orphan_account



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Breakup, Hazy, Heartache, Heartbreak, Hinted Jeon Wonwoo/Kim Mingyu, I'm sorry Joshua, Instagram, JunHao - Freeform, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-breakup, References to Depression, Xu Ming Hao | The8 is Bad at Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-10-30 05:34:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20809364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Minghao doesn't know how to handle the overwhelming ache in his chest after Junhui leaves him broken and unable to leave his room.





	don't cry in secret

**Author's Note:**

> contains NON-GRAPHIC themes of: DEPRESSION, PANIC ATTACKS, AND SUICIDAL THEMES.  
read with caution!

Minghao sat up abruptly, comforter hanging half off the bed. The air conditioner hummed quietly and the walls were still that same neutral grey he had gotten used to. Sleepiness was hanging off his eyelashes, his eyes were wet. His hair was a mess, it was getting so long. He wasn’t sure what time it was anymore.

Besides the hum of the air conditioning, Minghao’s heavy breathing began to fill the empty quiet spaces of his room. He should be used to this by now, trying to sleep and waking up unsure of the hour. Hearing his loud breathing night after night, waking up from the same nightmare. Waking up in the same empty bed.

The same annoying silence and the same humming of the air conditioner. The water bottle by his bed was turning foggy, presumably from him not opening it. His throat was dry, it hurt to swallow but he didn’t move. He wouldn’t dare, he couldn’t. His chest began to ache, he couldn’t catch his breath.

The more he thought about it, the worse it would get. He hadn’t been sleeping well since.. Minghao gulped, wincing in pain right after. It hurt so bad, everywhere and everything. His eyes burned from crying so often, his eyelids pink and his face swollen. The moment he gets out of bed was the moment everything became real, and that was the one thing he didn’t want to happen.

Minghao would do anything to prevent this from being his reality, he didn’t want to be alone any longer. It was suffocating, the silence and the nightmares and the thoughts. He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t. It was too much, he couldn’t even eat. He couldn’t answer the phone, he couldn’t even sleep for god’s sake. The one thing he thought he could do was sleep, though he didn’t really want that either.

He didn’t want to be awake or asleep, he didn’t want to cry or laugh. His voice wouldn’t come out as more than a whisper anymore and his phone hadn’t been charged in days. The battery power lasted well, he assumed it was because he only used it to check the time anymore.

Minghao wanted Junhui to come back, his jaw clenched tightly as he admitted it to himself for the first time. He started to shake, eyes burning more as tears slipped past. It was unfair, everything was unfair. They were happy, he knew he was just being selfish. Minghao was always selfish when it came to Junhui, he took and took and didn’t realise he wasn’t receiving the same.

He lied to himself, he promptly ignored the anxious gut feeling he would get when Junhui didn’t want to talk. He continued to ignore it when the other barely replied to his texts, it was okay. They were okay, they couldn’t not be. Minghao was so dependent on the other, he hated himself for it. He only wanted Junhui to be happy, really. That was the only thing he wanted for the other and if it meant cutting himself out of the picture that would be okay.

He said it to himself so many times, he said it to Jun so many times. But why did it still hurt? Why did everything ache so badly still? He didn’t know he needed the other to be okay, it was unhealthy. He wished none of it either happened.

Minghao gasped for air as he started sobbing, his own cries echoing through his cold apartment. He wasn’t okay, he wished he never fucking met Junhui in the first place. He was used to numb, he was used to being alone and that was okay for him. The other just had to ruin everything, just had to make Minghao feel okay. Feel something, anything at all. He had to introduce Minghao to all of his friends, he just had to make Minghao feel safe. And now? He’ll never get that again.

He had texts from their shared friends, he knew it didn’t have to be the end of everything. Minghao just couldn’t stand seeing Junhui’s name, let alone his face. He didn’t want to think about it, he didn’t want to talk to anybody that knew him either. He didn’t even want to be awake right now.

Minghao melted back into his bed, his messy hair getting messier and his comforter being lazily pulled back over him. It was dark, he noticed. It was always dark when he woke up, he wasn’t sure how long he really slept for. He didn’t know how much time had passed since the breakup, it felt like forever but it was realistically probably only a week or so.

He was frustrated of keeping his eyes closed and waiting to fall asleep when it just never happened. He stared blankly at his ceiling while trying to ignore the intruding thoughts of what led up to their breakup and the event itself.

He just wanted to be happy with the other boy, he just wanted to wake up in Junhui’s arms every morning. He wanted to hear his voice, wanted to see his texts. He felt like he finally fit in somewhere, he finally found himself. All he really found was something that he knew, somewhere deep down, would break him completely when it ended. He pulled the blanket up further, hiding his cheeks that began to dampen from his tears. His pillow was now also becoming wet, he turned to the other side.

He missed Junhui’s good morning texts, he missed everything. He missed his friends too, he knew he was just being stupid and selfish. He was sure if he just ignored the situation it would go away one day, but it was still fresh in his mind. It was still vivid when he closed his eyes, he still saw Junhui’s weird expression. He still felt his stomach turn because he knew it was finally happening.

He remembers not being able to form a single sentence, he wanted to reply but the words wouldn’t come out. They never did, they still haven’t. Lastly (and most vividly,) he remembers seeing Junhui’s back get further and further as he just stood there. He just stood there, Minghao rubbed his eyes harshly. The ache got worse the more he thought about it, he didn’t want to think about it.

He didn’t want to feel anything, he just wanted it to go away. He wanted some kind of outlet to vent his feelings onto, he wanted to draw it out or write his emotions into words but he just _ couldn’t. _He sat up again, restlessness really kicking in. He finally reached for his water bottle, gulping down the clear liquid and feeling slightly sick when he felt it enter his empty stomach.

He gave in to his temptation and grabbed his phone as well, he turned it on and squinted at the brightness. It hurt his eyes even more than they already hurt, he could feel his head start aching slowly but tried to ignore it. It was 3 in the morning, September 29th. He felt sick seeing the date, he swears it felt like forever since the breakup yet it had only been about two weeks.

If each day dragged out like this, he wasn’t sure he wanted to be here anymore. He swallowed harshly and unlocked his phone, not bothering to look at the notifications right now. He wasn’t ready for that, he just wanted to be alone. He hoped that’s what he wanted, Minghao had a bad habit of locking down when in distress. He wished it was easy to just open up and apologise but he was stubborn and quiet, he kept to himself even when he shouldn’t.

He opened his instagram app, only to look through his friend's posts. He knew everybody was a bit busy around these times, maybe there would be no posts at all. He wasn’t disappointed to see his friend Mingyu’s post light up his phone screen.

It was a photo of Mingyu and Wonwoo, he almost liked the post but stopped himself. He couldn’t appear now, he needed.. He just wanted time. As bad as he felt to push everyone away, it was too much to bear. Everything was, he just wanted to be distracted until it felt better. Until he felt better and could talk comfortably without breaking down, he wished healing was easier. There was nothing he could do for himself and it felt miserable.

It ripped him apart, inside and out, to ignore the dms and texts he had been receiving. He was sure everybody knew of the breakup, he was sure they knew something was wrong when he didn’t read the messages or post in days. He wasn’t sure if anybody tried to visit his apartment, he didn’t really leave his room. Minghao scrolled through posts until he saw one from his friend Joshua.

He felt all kinds of emotions surface at the blatant indirect at him, he didn’t know what to feel. He wished he could just pick one, he was confused and frustrated.

The picture that Joshua posted was of some art piece, nothing that really mattered. It was the caption that did it.

“You’re hurting everybody, your actions are affecting not just you. Think before you do things like this, *’s reasons were justified and I understand you’re upset but there’s no reason to be mad at everybody.”

Minghao’s grip tightened on the phone, that’s not what he wanted. He wasn’t mad at everybody, he knew he was probably blowing things out of proportion but to post an indirect about him? He just wanted to heal alone, he didn’t want to hurt anybody. He just wanted to be happy. Why was the world coming down on him again? He couldn’t breathe, he started crying for the millionth time that day. He wasn’t sure if he ever stopped crying.

Wasn’t he allowed to just be alone? He just wanted.. His chest ached as he sobbed it out, he wasn’t just upset. He wasn’t sure how to convey his feelings about anything, he was just confused and scared and in pain. It felt as if every wound he had mentally stitched together so carefully for the past years have all been ripped open, he felt everything.

This was the opposite of what he wanted, he wanted a quiet and peaceful time to heal by himself. He wished he never made any of the friends he has, as much as he genuinely loved and cherished them it’s just so overwhelming. He just wanted to be left behind in time again, he wanted everybody to move on without him. He started shivering and sniffling, at this rate he was going to get sick.

They had probably been talking about him behind his back, he wanted to be mad at everybody like they thought he was but he just couldn’t... Regardless, he found himself clicking the dm button, though he wouldn’t read them he just wanted to see. 

Again, he regretted his choice when he saw a message from _ him _. Why did Junhui message him? Why? His heart felt like it was being ripped into two, he was the last person Minghao wanted to talk to. That just made everything so much worse, he locked his phone immediately and dropped it back onto the bedside table. It wasn’t easy, everyone is different. Minghao just had very complex feelings that even he didn’t understand. He closed his eyes, the room became dark again, the air conditioning’s humming was the only thing heard again.

Everything was nothing, and nothing was everything. He didn’t want to wake up again.

**Author's Note:**

> haha i suppose this was the one time i managed to put my feelings into words.. but i portrayed them onto hao :( i'm sorry, this is probably really bad since i wrote it while crying my eyes out but it's also very personal to me.


End file.
